Sunday, February 19, 2012

Only Sluts Wear Togas


I recently had a fashion history class on Ancient Rome. When the average person thinks of Ancient Rome the image of a figure draped in a white toga comes to mind. In reality however togas were reserved for men – unless you were some variation of an unsavoury woman. Prostitutes and women caught in their adulterous she-devil ways were required to wear the male dominated toga. There is no such garment to be worn by adulterous men other than perhaps a fist bump from their friends. In Ancient Rome you knew a slut when you saw one.

This mentality has aged rather gracefully. A provocatively dressed woman will still be treated with nothing but the upmost respect right? A flash of thigh, a 6 inch heel, or a personal favourite silk tops without a bra, this is how you can tell a slut from a respectable woman. The difference between the kinds of woman you can bring home to mom and the kinds of woman you simply bring home and call a cab for in the morning.
The rhinestone mustache is the only thing keeping me from looking like a total floozie 

Men and women will both say that has changed; the SlutWalk organization that came into place after a police officer in Toronto said that woman should not dress like sluts to avoid being raped has raised a lot of awareness on the subject. The topic of slut shaming has become a global issue with protests popping up all over the globe.  As a woman who likes to go out and have a good time with a strong aversion to pants I can say without pause that if you have a neckline that plunges low enough to show a bellybutton your back in Ancient Rome in a heartbeat. The cliche saying  “I was looked at like a piece of meat” is fairly outdated. Meat isn’t objectified by what its marinated in, women are. You can be looked at as someone that should be paid for services, or someone not to make any contact with at all. 

Heather Campbell is not a slut. Just a 21 year old girl who likes to feel good about her appearance. I checked my phone to find a text from Campbell last summer. “I want to wear something slutty tonight can I borrow something”. I promptly packed a bag of options and presented them to her, she felt great. Confident and ferocious in a leopard miniskirt, she did not anticipate the backlash however. I have a reputation for dressing in a manner that has been described as 1990s red light district. Should I have warned her that dressing like that will make people treat you badly, or is it simply a "part of life", if you dress like a whore you asking for judgement? 
You cant be smart and dress like a whore unless your in a porno, and thats just acting  

One can only speculate the different reasons women dress provocatively, attention, free drinks , or shockingly enough because that is how they feel comfortable. In Ancient Rome it was by force that if you were a “bad girl” you had to dress the part. 2700 years later despite all the things women have proved they can accomplish it is still so common to make assumptions based on how we clothe ourselves. Actions do speak louder than words, but apparently scraps of fabric scream at you. 

Saturday, January 28, 2012

Sprinting for beer

Note to self make a post about the only physical activity I get being the run to get to the liquor store before it closes

The House Cat Theory

This is the post where I include tons of cat pictures

I’m not a huge cat person, I don’t go out of my way to dislike  feline’s however there is none of that mad love I reserve for small dogs and skipping pants. Anyone who has seen Homeward Bound (and if you haven’t you should probably never attempt to communicate with me) know that cats are bitches. Sassy was the queen of all bitches. She acted like she didn’t give a fuck about anyone and for that reason was fawned over. Sound alright to you? Yeah that’s what my idea of happiness is.

So happy

The housecat theory is that people (young adults I know anyways) would be way happier if we just picked up a few key life lessons from domestic cats. The internet is obsessed with them so it should be easy for us to pick up. Not a complete lack of responsibility, but the ability to do whatever you want and still be adored? Yes, please sign me up and tell me how I can make that happen.

Firstly as I pointed out in the hangover article – bitches love to snack. Emotional eaters, bored eaters, happy eaters, the normal girls that only eat when they are hungry (also known as liars) in general girls love eating. I am going to take a long shot here and say dudes also love to eat typically. You know who else loves to get their glutton on? Cats. They know how to enjoy the art of eating until you feel like you might explode and then crawling up into a nice spot of sunshine.
This kitten just ate its weight in food and is sleeping it off

I had an ex-boyfriend who would call it a food-hole. Like unto a k-hole it’s when something pretty much takes over your body and ability/will to move. Let’s talk big cats for a second – yeah lions are badass and they love to hunt and shit but they spend most of their day just lying about. That zebra isn’t going to digest itself, which takes a toll on the body so part two of happiness is lying about after eating.

The housecat theory (aka how cats can teach us how to be happier) involves a heavy dose of the do whatever you want factor. Does anyone tell a housecat what to do? I really don’t think so, and though I have never had a cat I watch a fuck-ton of YouTube videos so I am pretty much an expert on the topic. You can try the whole positive reinforcement thing with cats all you want but in general are going to ignore you. Jump on your bedside table and knock your water glass onto your head while you sleep?* A cat will not feel bad about that and this is why I think they are the happiest animals on earth.

I just want this to be acceptable human behavior 
How many other creatures will just keep on jumping into boxes that get increasingly smaller and not really be bothered by the fact that it is a simple pleasure? Yes dogs chase their tails, and chinchillas roll around in dust but a cat can be amused by anything, I want that for more people my age that stress about everything. Just be happy doing whatever you please and life will be better.

A life where you eat, sleep and generally do whatever you want? Awesome. A lot of people have inspiration they pull from people. Oh Ghandi inspires my way of life, or when I grow up I want to be Tina Fey or some foreign leader– that’s fantastic do not get me wrong. When I grow up however (5-10 years from now) I want to live like this overweight Siamese cat I knew named Pickles. Who just ate and slept in peoples underwear drawers with no shame. That level of “no fucks left to give” is more inspiring than any self help book I have ever read.
Maru gives no fucks - and is the most popular cat on the internet.

*Side note – the cat that knocked over the water is a real story and I think Monster really was a homicidal maniac jungle cat but he was gorgeous and so he got away with it. Just like human dudes do and he knew he was the shit. Cats are inspiring.  

Friday, January 20, 2012

Why "Playing" Breeder Makes You An Uneducated Jackass.


So everyone that knows me knows my dog Kita B is the love of my life. She’s a mutt that I bought from a fairly respectable backyard breeder before I was in any way informed that such a thing existed  She was treated very well at the house and has what in my mind is a perfect temperament. They did a good job with her from what I can see.

I have watched enough price is right to know it is important to spay and neuter your pets. It’s not just kind of important or important for ugly dogs its super fucking important for everyone. Why though? Breeding your dog is natural, people do it all the time and are willing to go to war for their reproductive rights yet we think we can just take them away from animals?! How dare you.

To spay a dog can be pretty expensive. My folks did not understand why I was so obsessed with the idea. I love puppies, and a Maltese/Chihuahua having puppies?! Those things go for about 800 bones at least. Kita the cash cow was my pet. I didn’t want that though, the overpopulation of humane societies is heartbreaking to anyone with cable and a love for Sarah McLaughlin.

However as a poor high school kid with no job I couldn’t afford to get my girl fixed, and it honestly wasn’t a problem because she had no interaction with male dogs (her best friend was an overweight golden retriever  ... not a pregnancy issue) so the issue kind of went away until she was 3 and my brother brought home a puppy. He was too young to have been sold from the breeder, who though he was a purebred dog he clearly came from something shady due to his “I’ve been abused” behaviours. We loved Thor anyways though and when Kita went into heat we figured; he’s just a baby and only has one ball. We would stop them if we ever caught them in the act, and when we weren’t home Thor was always locked in his kennel. However “shit happens” and our infant dog knocked up Ki.
My sister w/ Baby Thor. Babies havin babies.

I sat and cried for hours I was so upset. How could I let this happen? There are hundreds of dogs being put down every single day because no one wants them. I don’t want to bring more dogs into this world and for sure not some super mutt (Maltese/Chihuahua/Yorkie) but what was done was done. We were down for the long haul.

People often say “It is good for the dog to breed” or “It's natural, at least one litter is best” – this is complete bullshit. There is so scientific proof that links having a litter with positive mental and physical reactions from the dog. That is one that people say all the time and is just wrong.
Being that uncomfortable makes her SO happy. Just glowing right?
Pregnant Ki couldn’t go up or down stairs; she waddled everywhere and was miserable. Oh I’m so glad she gets to experience the miracle of birth! No. My baby was miserable and though I didn’t want the puppies in the first place I was nothing but upset with myself for allowing this to happen.
The morning she had them she was in so much pain, if you want your entire house filled with the sound of crying dog be my guest, I freaked the fuck out and called my mom like an adult because I couldn’t deal with it. Animals have babies in the wild all the time, by themselves. This may come as a huge shock to some but our PETS are not wild animals. They rely on us for everything; they are in no way as tough as the coyotes that you see popping out babies all the time. My dog was in extreme pain, and sometimes I think she still hates us all for putting her through that. That was an accident, I genuinely believe that no one who loves their pet would do that to them on purpose if they are educated.

The puppies were great they were adorable little fluffs and a lot of fun. A lot of vet bills, a lot of worrying, and turned my perfect little princess dog into a demon for the first few weeks to everyone but me. I was allowed in the pen with them but anyone else would get their hand bitten off. Isn’t she so glad she had those babies? You can see how thankful she is to you in her cold black eyes. We had to spend a lot of money on these puppies, we had to get them a pen and puppy-safe the place – the aforementioned vet bills with all their starter shots are not inexpensive, because Ki was such a small dog we had to get heating pads for them so they wouldn’t freeze to death. One of the puppies was born not breathing so Chaunster the hero (my mom) had to run her to the vet to get the gunk sucked out of her chest. Cute right? Totally adorable and so GOOD for your dog.
La Qweshia and LaFonda 2 of the 3 puppies. Cute right?

I love dogs, and I love puppies, I love them more than I love people rather openly. I only liked the puppies, why? Because they took Kita from me. She still wanted to sleep up in my comfy bed with me but was stuck in a pen in the kitchen, what is this bullshit she was thinking (I assume) when she would wine at night for me, to the point that I ended up setting up a bed downstairs so she would relax. It’s cool though – those babies were SO good for her. Totally needed it. Her body was mangled, she was so skinny despite us getting her everything we could for extra mom-foods she literally was udders and bone. 6 pounds cannot really afford to lose weight, but there was one point in her pregnancy that she was skin and bones and all I could think was wow I am so glad we have witnessed animal motherhood. Right? No. I was worried as fuck for my dog.
Finding homes for the puppies was in no way a problem, only 3 dogs and we decided to sell them for 400 – this was against my every wish. My brother who had technically paid for Thor though never raised him figured he deserved money for his “stud services” , I won one battle and we did just give one of the puppies to a family we knew would love it forever and the other puppy did not cover all the expenses we had from taking care of the puppies.

Bring in the fact that I had an entire family running this operation, taking them outside what felt like a million times a day. Giving them adequate socialization and playtime. 5 dogs was a lot of work and I had 4 people available to help me. As a twentysomething would I go through that on my own? Hell no. After everything that I learned that I wanted to avoid in the first place would I do it again? Never. I don’t think people who actually love their pets can treat them like that. Be responsible and FIX YOUR PETS. You want to witness the miracle of birth? Go on YouTube, don’t use your animal and justify it as “It is good for them” because it isn’t. They are just as happy not having babies and going through that and the millions of dogs and cats in shelters?? Those are the ones who need something “good” to happen to them. 

If you still feel its important to breed your pet please check out these links and actually read them. Thanks. <--- this is my favorite. 

Monday, January 9, 2012

Shit Girls Love When they Are Hungover.

Dec.1st 2009 - Also known as the worst morning ever.

I know I had intended this to be a fashion blog but I need to just be real, I love a lot of things just as much as I love denim vests and tutus. This post is particularly inspired by real life events – I want to just blame Vancouver’s victory over Boston but in reality I’m just a twentysomething with a lot of friends who love to party.

I have one friend who really enjoys hangovers, he’s fucked clearly because hangovers are possibly the worst thing ever and anyone who enjoys lying around in bed and feeling like the world is spinning around them is either a drug addict or a liar. Hangovers blow but there are some things about them that make them way less awful.

This should be unspoken but it is most people’s favourite part of being hungover. Justifying waking up to the noise of “I NEED A BEEF AND CHEDDAR” (that girl is now a vegetarian) and then mowing down on so much processed meat and sodium is my single favourite part of being hangover. This diet does change from person to person but the food you normally would have self control against your hangover decides as one more dick move its going to have you convinced you NEED it. A double order of hot wings for myself? Don’t mind if I do.
The first time I made bacon wrapped cheddar smokies on a sunday funday
In “real life” I hate naps. I never have them if it can be avoided because that’s time I could spend being productive ... or you know on tumblr. When I am hungover somehow passing out in my jeans surrounded by empty Wendy’s wrappers is my idea of nirvana.

Looks No Longer Matter
I’m sure at some point in my life I’ll post about how much I hate sweat pants in public but for now just know I don’t think its “ok” behaviour. UNLESS you’re hungover, then it’s perfectly acceptable to go get New York Fries in sweat pants and last night’s makeup. A personal favourite is walk of shaming ... without shame. Silk top with no bra? Your hangover has made the point that what you’re wearing is not important and the eyeliner that’s mysteriously on your chin? Your fucks have other places to be so it’s not on how you look. What a relief.

No One Can Tell You What To Do
Unless you work and you’re an irresponsible prick hangovers are typically a day to do whatever you damn well please and embrace that my friends because it won’t last forever. No is a word most people learn fairly easy early on, however the older we get the less comfortable we get using it. Dates? Snowboarding plans? Brushing our hair? When you’re hungover there is almost nothing I struggle saying no to. NO. It’s fantastic.
Lay In Bed With Your Friends
Male fantasy time, 4 girls in one bed together and no one is wearing pants. That happens to me at least once a month but in reality we are terrifying to look at and if you happen to be involved in this scene you will end up being emotionally scarred by our conversations not pleased with your sexual prowess. This is when we all discuss who was the most drunk last night, what we did (because by some miracle usually we don’t all black out the same time) how we all got home and  the massive shit we need to take.

I don’t need to go into detail, but it’s probably the same for dudes as it is for broads on this hangover topic.

When you’re hungover either EVERYTHING is funny or nothing is funny. Depending on if you ended up the one in bed who was deemed “most drunk last night” and unlike me don’t see that as a point of pride. Usually my hangover days are pretty much 50% laughing, and the remainder is staggered about this list, usually combined with laughter. 

JFK - Clone High just watch it, and look like this. 
Couch time
Watching TV/Movies is like food pretty much a classic that brings together all hungover people I assume around the globe, minus the people who don’t have TVs and in that case should stop drinking for a month and buy a TV just so it can enrich your Sundays. The thing is I don’t actually require the TV to be on to enjoy its hangover cure qualities. Pumping Atmosphere while lying on the couch, that’s awesome. Recounting my debauchery while lying on the couch? Fantastic. I could watch Clone High on a loop but as long as my couch is around all is ok, and because no one can tell you to leave it this is your sanctuary. 

As I was saying before, Hangovers suck but the things that are only justified because you’re hungover? Those things are the best, and remember team – if possible be hungover with a buddy because Sunday Fundays got invented that way and those may just be one of the greatest things ever

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Ugly Anyway

The Evil Queen is mad hot, and I would rather look like her than Snow White

What does it mean to be ugly anyway and why would I choose to define myself as something with a negative connotation. I may not be the visual that comes to mind when you think of a damsel, but I certainly am a girl in all ways. The thing about girls is they are vicious monsters, and even if you don’t have a reason to dislike a girl or at least not a very good reason its so easy to end a statement with whatever she’s ugly anyway. Ex-boyfriend is seeing someone new? Who cares the bitch is ugly. A girl has shoes that would look way better on your feet? Well her outfit is ugly anyway.

In her defense she lives with a bunch of miners, as a girl from a rig town I understand
Traditionally women make a big fuss about being called the C word, but at the end of the day that is never the final word. It’s possible it’s because so many women are too big of babies to call another woman a cunt to her face but I think the reality is that essentially the vain creature that the average female is the most hurtful thing that could be said is that someone is unattractive.
Sorry Internet
My stance on attraction is that it is a huge matter of opinion. That whole beauty is in the eye of the beholder style statement is by all means true. My close circle of friends and I all have drastically different taste in men for example. We are all the same age, from the same town, more or less in the same stages of our lives but what is ugly is just as much of a statement of opinion as anything else and I find that empowering rather than dismal.
I find it empowering in the same way I find Radioheads “Just” empowering, the idea of you do it to yourself puts you in a situation where you have complete control. The idea that your ugly anyway means you have no one to impress, nothing to lose and get to just make yourself happy. I was terrorized for how I dressed growing up and if I hadn’t been I am sure I would be a totally different person and I am now in love with being the girl who you may or may not be Facebook creeping saying that girl better check her ego because she’s ugly anyway.