The House Cat Theory

This is the post where I include tons of cat pictures

I’m not a huge cat person, I don’t go out of my way to dislike  feline’s however there is none of that mad love I reserve for small dogs and skipping pants. Anyone who has seen Homeward Bound (and if you haven’t you should probably never attempt to communicate with me) know that cats are bitches. Sassy was the queen of all bitches. She acted like she didn’t give a fuck about anyone and for that reason was fawned over. Sound alright to you? Yeah that’s what my idea of happiness is.

So happy

The housecat theory is that people (young adults I know anyways) would be way happier if we just picked up a few key life lessons from domestic cats. The internet is obsessed with them so it should be easy for us to pick up. Not a complete lack of responsibility, but the ability to do whatever you want and still be adored? Yes, please sign me up and tell me how I can make that happen.

Firstly as I pointed out in the hangover article – bitches love to snack. Emotional eaters, bored eaters, happy eaters, the normal girls that only eat when they are hungry (also known as liars) in general girls love eating. I am going to take a long shot here and say dudes also love to eat typically. You know who else loves to get their glutton on? Cats. They know how to enjoy the art of eating until you feel like you might explode and then crawling up into a nice spot of sunshine.

This kitten just ate its weight in food and is sleeping it off

I had an ex-boyfriend who would call it a food-hole. Like unto a k-hole it’s when something pretty much takes over your body and ability/will to move. Let’s talk big cats for a second – yeah lions are badass and they love to hunt and shit but they spend most of their day just lying about. That zebra isn’t going to digest itself, which takes a toll on the body so part two of happiness is lying about after eating.

The housecat theory (aka how cats can teach us how to be happier) involves a heavy dose of the do whatever you want factor. Does anyone tell a housecat what to do? I really don’t think so, and though I have never had a cat I watch a fuck-ton of YouTube videos so I am pretty much an expert on the topic. You can try the whole positive reinforcement thing with cats all you want but in general are going to ignore you. Jump on your bedside table and knock your water glass onto your head while you sleep?* A cat will not feel bad about that and this is why I think they are the happiest animals on earth.

I just want this to be acceptable human behavior 

How many other creatures will just keep on jumping into boxes that get increasingly smaller and not really be bothered by the fact that it is a simple pleasure? Yes dogs chase their tails, and chinchillas roll around in dust but a cat can be amused by anything, I want that for more people my age that stress about everything. Just be happy doing whatever you please and life will be better.

A life where you eat, sleep and generally do whatever you want? Awesome. A lot of people have inspiration they pull from people. Oh Ghandi inspires my way of life, or when I grow up I want to be Tina Fey or some foreign leader– that’s fantastic do not get me wrong. When I grow up however (5-10 years from now) I want to live like this overweight Siamese cat I knew named Pickles. Who just ate and slept in peoples underwear drawers with no shame. That level of “no fucks left to give” is more inspiring than any self help book I have ever read.

Maru gives no fucks - and is the most popular cat on the internet.

*Side note – the cat that knocked over the water is a real story and I think Monster really was a homicidal maniac jungle cat but he was gorgeous and so he got away with it. Just like human dudes do and he knew he was the shit. Cats are inspiring.